BUDGET TRAVEL TIPS
Funniest Celeb Travel Tips Ever
This year, you're gonna have a blast on vacation…or die trying. Read on for tongue-in-cheek advice from talented comedians like Jim Gaffigan and Margaret Cho on conquering your big summer trip.
Comedians are some of the most experienced travelers in the world. After years spent shuttling from city to city for gigs, they have an, ahem, "unique" perspective on universal travel experiences. And let's face it: We nomadic types could all use a laugh after a third flight delay or while trying to ignore rowdy kids interrupting our piña colada zen at the pool.
With that in mind, we asked 14 comedic stars of the stage, TV, and silver screen to share their funniest summer travel tips—some are so practical, you'll pray for a travel snag so you can try them out.
1. Jim Gaffigan
HOW TO PICK THE IDEAL POOLSIDE LOUNGE SPOT
"In the shade. Near the snack bar. There are people that go early and reserve poolside lounge chairs and then there are people that I would like to talk to."
—Jim Gaffigan begins his Contagious Tour in July; The Jim Gaffigan Show premieres July 15 on TV Land.
2. Jim Breuer
HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE
"I have three kids, so in order for mom and me to relax, we need to be by a beach or pool where our kids can be loud and playful in peace! Basically anyplace swimmable is a great place to lounge around for parents! Add some goggles and snacks, and you have a five-star vacation!"
—Jim Breuer's new special, Comic Frenzy, is currently airing on the Epix network.
3. Nikki Glaser
HOW TO PRESERVE YOUR SANITY ON A PLANE RIDE
"I recommend investing in a good sleep mask for the plane. Not only are they an underrated sleep aid, you also send the message to your seat partner, 'No, I don't want to talk to you, weird guy who smells like cigarettes and is reading Sarah Palin's Going Rogue.'"
—Nikki Glaser will appear in the July 17 Amy Schumer/Judd Apatow feature film Trainwreck.
4. Riki Lindhome
HOW TO DEAL WITH A LONG LAYOVER
"Layovers are never fun. So there are two ways to handle it: Drink to make it go by faster. Or embrace how much it sucks and do stuff you've been putting off. For option number one, make sure you have enough to drink that the layover time flies by but not so much that they won't let you on the next plane. For option number two, you can get a bikini wax. Yes, they do that in airports. They don't expect people to ask for it, but it is on the spa menu. Or you can call your mother-in-law or other least favorite family member. The sound of the continuous announcement about luggage limits will drown out at least part of the conversation. Or you can pay your bills online or do work for your job that you usually phone in anyway. My personal recommendation is find a combination of options one and two. Doing things you hate while tipsy in a random airport is more fun than it sounds."
—Riki Lindhome's Downton Abbey–meets–Keeping Up with the Kardashians spoof series, Another Period, is airing on Comedy Central.
5. Ophira Eisenberg
HOW TO FIT IN WITH THE CHIC JET-SETTING CROWD
"You don't have to dress to impress; it's all about getting into the rich person's state of mind: They don't care what anyone thinks. They're beyond needing to keep up appearances. So wear T-shirts with holes, old sweats, don't wash your hair, and then use all the money you saved on pricey designer clothes to dine and cocktail at the finest places. People will just assume that you're an eccentric billionaire."
—NPR's Ask Me Another host Ophira Eisenberg records new episodes weekly at Brooklyn's The Bell House.
6. Dave Hill
HOW TO MAKE THE MOST OF VISITING A NEW TOWN
"A good thing to do whenever you're in a new city is to find the nearest Sephora, go in, cover yourself in as many tester lotions and fragrances as possible, and hit the streets. Everyone will think, 'Who is this fun new guy who rolled into town? He smells incredible!' Another good thing to do when traveling is go to a fancy seafood restaurant alone, request a table for two, order a giant seafood tower and a bottle of champagne, and then place an engagement ring prominently on the table. Eat and drink as quickly as possible and when the check comes burst into tears. Nine out of 10 times they'll at least give you the champagne for free."
—A Special Thing Records released Dave Hill's debut album, Let Me Turn You On, last month.
7. Bridget Everett
HOW TO BLEND IN AT THE HAMPTONS
"I used to hate the Hamptons...but that's before I got invited. Now I love it. Nicki Minaj is making bikinis for Kmart that come in every size. I picked up a couple and am looking forward to a pool party over at Gwyneth's place!"
—Obie Award winner Bridget Everett's debut hour special, Gynecological Wonder, premieres July 11 on Comedy Central.
8. Ari Shaffir
HOW TO ENSURE AN AUTHENTIC TRAVEL EXPERIENCE
"When buying pot in other countries, it's important not to jump at the first offer that comes your way. That's a sucker move. Talk to locals first. They'll help guide you to quality pot in a cop-free environment. And I guess they can give you tips on where to eat and museums and sh*t like that if that's what you care about."
—Host Ari Shaffir's storytelling show, This Is Not Happening, returns to Comedy Central early next year.
9. Hannibal Buress
HOW TO BEAT THE AIRLINES AT THEIR OWN GAME
"If you use a search engine like Kayak to book flights and an American Airlines price comes up, before you book the flight, check the price on US Airways. And vice versa. They've merged, but sometimes they have different prices for the exact same flights because we live in an evil world."
—Why? with Hannibal Buress premieres July 8 on Comedy Central.
10. Chris Gethard
HOW TO STAY WELL RESTED ON THE ROAD
"As someone who loves driving cross-country, I always like to remind people that if you're really in a pinch or you're in full dirtbag mode, Walmart lets you sleep in your car in their parking lot. They also have public restrooms, and it somehow feels morally right to [go] there."
—The new Chris Gethard Show airs live Thursdays on Fusion.
11. Doug Stanhope
HOW TO TURN ANY DESTINATION INTO THE BEST VACATION EVER
"My favorite summer destination is inside this bar. It's inside this sh*tty hotel near the airport, and it's open when you get here at 10 a.m. and I think into the night. The bartender can make a manhattan, which makes me feel very cosmopolitan. She can't make a cosmopolitan worth a brick, and that makes me feel like a beer. There's a guy, Larry, at the bar who I sat far away from when I came in. He seemed really chatty, spouting off to nobody about everything that came on the television. But after several drinks, I realized that yes, in fact there were quite a few things on that television that needed to be addressed. The shape of Dana Bash's head on CNN? Not in hi-def. Not in my country. Larry and I have spirited conversations about Tom Brady and deflate-gate, even though I am still at the far end of the bar. Why move down when you can yell? You can play keno through the state lottery right at the bar or play Galaga for a quarter if you want some exercise. Summer is so much fun when you don't have to look at that horrible sun. I only go outside to smoke as quickly as possible so that I don't get skin cancer from that horrible shining orb. Now I'm just finding out too late that you can't order chicken sticks after 8 o'clock when the kitchen closes. Make note of that, summer travelers! Don't ruin your summer vacation being late for chicken sticks with dipping sauce in a paper tub."
—Follow Doug Stanhope's Twitter "travel blog" at @dougstanhope.
12. Jeff Ross
WHERE TO PUT YOUR WALLET AT THE BEACH
"I like going to the Jersey Shore. It's like mixing a UFC fight with roller coasters... It's important to hide your wallet at the beach. I had one designed that looks like a pastrami sandwich. No one is cruel enough to steal someone else's pastrami sandwich."
—Jeff Ross Roasts Criminals: Live From Brazos County Jail is currently airing on Comedy Central.
13. David Wain
MUST-HEED ADVICE FOR YOUR NEXT ROAD TRIP
"Road trips are a great way to spend fun time with the kids. But to avoid disaster, follow two simple common sense rules: 1) Remember to bring snacks and plenty of water. 2) Don't bring the kids."
—Director/co-writer David Wain's Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp prequel series begins streaming July 31 on Netflix.
14. Margaret Cho
HOW TO TRAVEL LIKE MARGARET CHO IN PROVINCETOWN, ON CAPE COD
No funny business here: Cho told BT all about her real-life favorite summer vacation, and it's totally doable for the rest of us. When all else fails, just add drag queens.
"I love to go to Provincetown on the very tip of Cape Cod every year. I rent a bike to explore the beach forest, and I ride at night to avoid the sun, which is very strong. There are the best shows, especially the drag extravaganza 'Showgirls,' which is a part talent contest and part beauty contest for all the outrageous people who live and visit P-town-lots of drag queens, but you don't have to be a drag queen to compete; all are welcome. It happens every Monday night, and it's hosted by Ryan Landry, who also puts on brilliant plays in P-town during the summer."
—Margaret Cho's national PsyCHO Tour continues through November.